slowing down

It's really hard to describe the feeling of moving really fast and then slowing down tremendously. My physical self has slowed down; I've been in FL around family for the last 3 days and I have 2 more full days here until I leave Monday morning. It doesn't help the difficulty that tomorrow and the next day are Christmas eve and Christmas day. I don't like the winter holidays. They make me depressed and send my mind all over the human existence. That might just be winter time in general.

But right now I'm in sunny FL and I should be enjoying my time in the sun, with my family, away from chaos. Inside my mind, however, I can't help but feel like time is spinning around in circles.

Future, past, present, past, future. future. future. past. right back to the moment, now.

Since I've started slowing down, I've been able to catch up with what's been racing around my mind. My Grammy. Time. My own family. My childhood, a lot of which has taken place down here in FL with my family when south FL was still full of my relatives.

I've been thinking about how although I would like to fully enjoy the rest of my two days here, I can't wait to be on the road again, heading to explore Savannah. And I think about how after Savannah I'm going to see my future; my Maryland family. I think about the future that is only so many days and weeks ahead of me and the responsibilities that will be waiting for me when I arrive.

I think about the state of our economy and that it isn't just kids in Philadelphia who are having a hard time; it's adults everywhere trying to find happiness working a shitty retail job 50 hours a week and are unhappy. I think about how I don't want to put myself in that kind of hold again when I move.

I still worry about money and am afraid that I will fall on my face. How can I be so cynical about life after proving to myself that I can do this? There is always always always more to prove to myself.

Tomorrow I'm going to get Carl's oil changed and spend the day at the beach. I'm going to spend the next two days living in the moment, letting the momentum be still for a few days before I hit the road and let it rip on Monday morning. Love. Love. Love. <3.